So I recently had to say "NO." Actually it happens most days that I have to say "no". But this one was a little more difficult because what I was saying "no" to was soooo delicious.
It killed me.
I was having this really sexy online flirtation with another poet on instagram. Ugh his poetry made me tingle and I felt it viscerally. so I commented on it's power to evoke sensation and then he started messaging me. But also he had a girlfriend. Which he let me know very early on.
So we played the game called "we are just going to talk about non sexy things and not flirt". We were both big losers in this game, but we thought we were winners. Because we kept straying again and again into talk of wolves and devouring and biting and bondage and full moons and all that appetizing fare.
And Then I'd admonish him for flirting or he'd admonish me but then in the next moment, we'd be right back at it. With him telling me basically I could do whatever I wanted with him. Saying this in so many ways, but not in those exact words. And I'd say "Stop it" "Don't tease me" And then flirt outrageously.
It culminated in him writing me the sexiest poem ever. Ugh I weep just thinking about it. I have never had someone write me an erotic poem before. Never-mind of that caliber. Sooo not fair. With lines like "Breath that satisfies my mouth. I have tasted you as the trees taste the moon." God my knees jerk and my breath catches in my throat when I read it. Oooof!
I was like oh god, I want this and thank you yes, please and just like that, but also this has now gone waaaay past the line of flirting. This is fucking verbal foreplay right here.
So I said, and this is today btw so no response as of yet," This has to end now." I talked about not wanting to harm someone even though I can't see them. I don't know them. But I just couldn't anymore. It felt morally wrong. Blah blah blah. And end scene.
So after that the wolf in me pouted. She was like that was sooo yummy. You just shut down all that delicious seduction. I want more poetry that titillates. How could you say no? It's not fair! Why do I have to be the bigger person? I'm single. It's not my girlfriend! STOMP STOMP. Tantrum, tantrum. Gimme back my candy!
And to that I responded " Honey, do you want to put all this time and energy into a person that is dishonest?" And with that I thought. No, I sure don't. And then it became about loving myself. Choosing what was healthy for myself, Not squashing my desire. Saying hey babe, you have this desire for sexy poetry, I respect that, but not with this guy.
The "No" became a resounding "yes" to treating myself with respect. Became a resounding cry that I can desire and it doesn't kill me if I say "No" to that desire. It became a declaration that I was whole whether I had someone seducing me or not. "huh." I thought. I do deserve honesty and authenticity.
I don't need to cloak my desires. I don't need the secrecy to get off or to feel safe. I was unconsciously pleased he had a girlfriend because it meant it wasn't going to go anywhere(no danger of commitment) and it also gave me the illusion of being irresistible.
But with that "No" I blew all of that away. And said, no thank you. I choose healthy, supportive sexuality. I can play with the wolf, I can play with the darkness and blood-lust and new moons and full moons and ravaging, and it can be healthy. It can be conscious, not this sideways unconscious spilling out of desires I am too scared to knowledge. It can be aware and consensual to all parties involved and non harming and affirming of who I am as a person. Which is someone with a love for exploration who is pure of heart.
So I'm proud of myself! And that's my story about saying "NO!" and having it really mean "Yes" to something else. because isn't that always the way?
I love you, I love you, I love. Keep on being you!
.Dear bae, baby, babe
People are going to Judge us no matter what. We can hem ourselves in or puff ourselves up, we can dress or undress, but there is no formula that is going to make everyone like us. No formula for escaping judgment!
"But that's not fair!" we cry.
No babe, it's not. It sucks. But it's crazy impossible to have everyone like us. And some people will poo poo us, even dislike us. We will be too loud for some, too quiet for others, too this, too that. Too, too too much of wearing tutus, they'll say. Did you see him? How dare he? So flouncy!
There will be someone there telling us our thoughts, our preferences, or our boundaries are not valid. This will hurt, a lot. I am sorry, babe, but we can feel this pain together. These people aren't cruel. And feel free to call them asshole or stomp your feet or cry. But they are just unconscious. Unconsciously wanting us to conform to their worldview because we make them uncomfortable, babe.
We make them uncomfortable with our powerfuls "Nos!" and with our resounding "Yeses" to who we are and what we want. So we might as well say fuck it and stop wasting our energy pleasing them or defending ourselves to them. Because when we do that, all we are saying is you are right, please still like me. Or you are wrong but still please love me.
Fuck it babe, we don't need that racket, it's same as the sensation of a tooth biting down on the tine of the fork, there is nothing there for us but pain. So leave it.
And say to them through words or actions:Hey join me! Come let us fly our freak flags, freak umbrellas, wear our freak boots as tromp in freak mud and make freak messes and be fucking who we are! Unashamed, unabashed, unapologetic! Celebrating the freaking miracle of weirdness, of peculiarity and personality that each and every one of us is!
Because we are all one delicious spice, or seasoning in the soup of life and we need them all to make a good broth.