Oh god so here I go: I can act like a pompous ass sometimes. Notice I say act and not be. I am not a bad person, nor am I wrong, but I am not right either.
But booooy do I think I am right. I think I am soooo smart and that I have you all figured out stud. I think I can read you like my great grandmother read tea leaves, with great accuracy and foreboding. In my head I am checking off all your defense mechanisms and noticing all the ways you say things "wrong".
"What a poor communicator," I am thinking "Wow that person isn't in touch with their emotions. They are just doing that to avoid feeling."
And I think these things and then I go and do something like text someone who said :"I'm poor."
"You don't know what poor is honey."
Not my proudest moment.
And that someone comes back at me with something like "First off I do I have lived through that and second off you are being presumptuous and assuming."
Well I do love asses, so there I go making one outta myself.
Why? Why do I often grab onto "being right" rather than connecting with people?
Because I am scared shitless. Oh babe I am sooo scared. I just want you to like me and not hurt me. I'm an an animal that is used to being left in a hot vehicle: "Please don't leave me!" I am an animal that has been called "BAD!" over and over: "Please don't abuse me. I'm a dog that has been whacked and screamed at for what the cat and goldfish did: "Please don't accuse me!"
So I learned it was better to be a smart girl than a soft tender girl. I'm so smart, look at me figure you out. And I am smart, very smart. Very intuitive. And we can figure out what a tornado is doing, but that doesn't stop the tornado. We just stand there getting hit going "well, with the barometer being as it is, I can't really blame the tornado. But weather CAN change, I guess I will stay and ask the tornado to be sunshine."
Being a bit of a PTSD storm myself, I can tell you it's not easy to temper the intensities. And this was supposed to be a blog post about how I want to always be right, but it's become a blog post about how painful it was to stay in abuse.
The two relate.
There is a thread, that weaves them together.
When I want to connect to you, I'm curious. I want to know who you are. I don't assume I know you.
When I am in fight, flight, freeze, faun, flop or one of those dastardly "effs", eff this, eff my life I don't know how to get the eff out. When I'm fucked up and deep in the reptilian brain, I want to protect. And how do we protect? We assume. We assume that you are other, that you are bad, that you are out to get me. AKA YOU ARE WRONG! Not me, you. It has to be one of us so I choose you.
Somehow being wrong has gotten wired into our brain as the equivalent of being ambushed by a wolverine. I was wrong, I didn't do something on time. Or not your way. Or not the "right way". So you shout at me and my sisters, face red, mouth open "You girls are so selfish and lazy!" You threaten to take away the things we love "I am going to go into your rooms and put everything you've left on the floor in a garbage bag." You threaten to take away the people we love "I guess I will just leave and never come back, if I am not wanted then."
Being right and making you wrong, was a way to fight back. Was a way to say NO. No, you're wrong. Because if you were right then I would be selfish, lazy, toyless and fatherless. I would be unwanted and unloved and that doesn't feel safe. And I just want to be safe.
So My opinions, my sarcasm, my sass, were the only weapons I had against you.
But you aren't my daddy anymore. You are my biological father yes, but you aren't my parent anymore. I take care of me now. I love me now.
And what is most loving to me is to catch my screw ups, laugh about them, call myself on them, apologize and reconnect to that person. That person that I don't know. That human that I want to connect with. And I only know my way, not theirs.
We can both be right, to our own selves. And opinions don't protect, they reject when we project them onto others. When we expect them of others.
The way I want to communicate, the way I want to love, the way I want to live that's up to me and I don't get to put that on you. I can choose who my friends are. I can choose the types of people I want in my life.
But I don't get to mould the ones entering it.
We might brush off on each other, influence each other but there is to be no conscious or unconscious directing of their way if there is to be love. There can only be allowing.
I often assume everyone wants to be more open, more self expressed, more expansive just like me. My mind goes, well isn't that what we all want? so I "nudge" them along.
But No, not everyone wants to be an explosion of rainbow sound, raining like confetti down on the world. Not everyone wants to be a hummingbird flitting from flower to flower. Some people want to be the rain, tender, wet and nourishing. Some people are earthern and steady, as rich as dirt. I love those people. I love what they have to offer. May I nourish them with my understanding and acceptance of who they are.
Because even if some people's actions are "garbage" guess what I make art with garbage. I take lead and I make it into poetry. Whatever experience I have, however people bump up against me, if I open to it. If I say yes to just the way they are, they help me shed more and more defenses. They help me open more and more.
And if you read my poetry you will know my all time favourite word, the one I slather and slobber for is:Open.
So thank you, to everyone, for exactly the way you show up.
And yes sometimes I will judge you and get all snarly mouthed and protective. And bark out "wrong! wrong! wrong!" But I'm not right and neither are you, we both just are.