I am making a game plan for loneliness. I wrote a whole blog post about it and my expectations and what I was doing with it and then deleted it. Because with that blog post was trying to delete loneliness.
I want to expose everything I am doing so I won't do it anymore.
Because I am afraid of the reaching, the hands grabbing outwards, that comes with loneliness.
I am afraid of the heavy hobbling lameness that comes with it. The please hold and hug me and introduce me to your friends.
The fear that arises, they are going to slap your hands backwards. They are going to slap the label "needy" on you.
But here is the truth, I need people. I am a social animal, that needs her family.
I am a creature who left one pack behind and now she wanders howling at the moon, listening for a returning howl, but only hearing the hoots of owls. Are the owls my friends? Yes, but are they my tribe, no.
Can I convince the otters to like a wolf life me? No, I am threatening to otters with my vocalizations, with my hunger, with my weeping and laughing. I am "too much" for the mice. And I am "not enough" for the peacocks.
So this is my spell, not for erasing loneliness, but for guiding myself to my other wolves. To discovering the other unicorns. And other shamans and other people that are a little bit of this and that and get me.
This is my spell: Patience, Patience, so mote it be, I call upon the power within me.
Because friendships aren't made, they are discovered, I can search and search, but my soul friendships just flutter into my life, hearts whispering in recognition, as mouths blab on. In places I never would've expected with people I never would've never thought. People 17 years older than me who are da das or people 17 years younger than me who are half orphans. People my heart overflows, overflowers with love for.
And it's not about waiting for these people. Because that implies endurance and life isn't to be endured. It's about celebrating these connections when I discover them. Connections, like golden shafts of sunlight, running between us, I didn't create the sun, it was always there.
So I celebrate my soul family that is scattered here and there. The people that I met on my 46 day journey. I celebrate and bless, the boy who rubbed water melon rinds on my back, ran in the woods with me and danced and danced. Thank you and I love you.
I celebrate the two souls who believed me when I told them outlandish stories of spirits squatting in my body. The two souls who shook our my back and told me my tears were beautiful and vulnerable. the two souls who made a love infused soup with me over the fire and welcomed. Bless both of you, beauties, beautiful, radiant spirits. I love you both.
I celebrate the spirit I discovered at a festival and unwrapped in the backseat of a car. I celebrate how they mirror me and hold me and encourage me with their kindness, to show up totally in my whole unabashed, snotty, messy, expressive, self. Thank you and bless you. Kiss you and bless you. Touch you and bless you. Bless you, bless you.
So here is to my soul family! I raise my glass. And here is to the loneliness that points me back in the direction of that family. That says profound connection to this earth, to others is missing here in this moment. That says something is holding. Something is resisting. Just so you know.
Here is to beautiful bruise coloured sadness, that weighs on my chest and whispers, you can open even more. Even more, you are doing so good and I'm showing you where you can open even more.
You can go even deeper, deeper still with the soul family already around you.
Trust baby. Trust.