I am making a game plan for loneliness. I wrote a whole blog post about it and my expectations and what I was doing with it and then deleted it. Because with that blog post was trying to delete loneliness.
I want to expose everything I am doing so I won't do it anymore.
Because I am afraid of the reaching, the hands grabbing outwards, that comes with loneliness.
I am afraid of the heavy hobbling lameness that comes with it. The please hold and hug me and introduce me to your friends.
The fear that arises, they are going to slap your hands backwards. They are going to slap the label "needy" on you.
But here is the truth, I need people. I am a social animal, that needs her family.
I am a creature who left one pack behind and now she wanders howling at the moon, listening for a returning howl, but only hearing the hoots of owls. Are the owls my friends? Yes, but are they my tribe, no.
Can I convince the otters to like a wolf life me? No, I am threatening to otters with my vocalizations, with my hunger, with my weeping and laughing. I am "too much" for the mice. And I am "not enough" for the peacocks.
So this is my spell, not for erasing loneliness, but for guiding myself to my other wolves. To discovering the other unicorns. And other shamans and other people that are a little bit of this and that and get me.
This is my spell: Patience, Patience, so mote it be, I call upon the power within me.
Because friendships aren't made, they are discovered, I can search and search, but my soul friendships just flutter into my life, hearts whispering in recognition, as mouths blab on. In places I never would've expected with people I never would've never thought. People 17 years older than me who are da das or people 17 years younger than me who are half orphans. People my heart overflows, overflowers with love for.
And it's not about waiting for these people. Because that implies endurance and life isn't to be endured. It's about celebrating these connections when I discover them. Connections, like golden shafts of sunlight, running between us, I didn't create the sun, it was always there.
So I celebrate my soul family that is scattered here and there. The people that I met on my 46 day journey. I celebrate and bless, the boy who rubbed water melon rinds on my back, ran in the woods with me and danced and danced. Thank you and I love you.
I celebrate the two souls who believed me when I told them outlandish stories of spirits squatting in my body. The two souls who shook our my back and told me my tears were beautiful and vulnerable. the two souls who made a love infused soup with me over the fire and welcomed. Bless both of you, beauties, beautiful, radiant spirits. I love you both.
I celebrate the spirit I discovered at a festival and unwrapped in the backseat of a car. I celebrate how they mirror me and hold me and encourage me with their kindness, to show up totally in my whole unabashed, snotty, messy, expressive, self. Thank you and bless you. Kiss you and bless you. Touch you and bless you. Bless you, bless you.
So here is to my soul family! I raise my glass. And here is to the loneliness that points me back in the direction of that family. That says profound connection to this earth, to others is missing here in this moment. That says something is holding. Something is resisting. Just so you know.
Here is to beautiful bruise coloured sadness, that weighs on my chest and whispers, you can open even more. Even more, you are doing so good and I'm showing you where you can open even more.
You can go even deeper, deeper still with the soul family already around you.
Trust baby. Trust.
So I recently had to say "NO." Actually it happens most days that I have to say "no". But this one was a little more difficult because what I was saying "no" to was soooo delicious.
It killed me.
I was having this really sexy online flirtation with another poet on instagram. Ugh his poetry made me tingle and I felt it viscerally. so I commented on it's power to evoke sensation and then he started messaging me. But also he had a girlfriend. Which he let me know very early on.
So we played the game called "we are just going to talk about non sexy things and not flirt". We were both big losters in this game, but we thought we were winners. Because we kept straying again and again into talk of wolves and devouring and biting and bondage and full moons and all that appetizing fare.
And Then I'd admonish him for flirting or he'd admonish me but then in the next moment, we'd be right back at it. with him telling me basically I could do whatever I wanted with him. Saying this in so many ways, but not in those exact words. And I'd say "Stop it" "Don't tease me" And then flirt outrageously.
It culminated in him writing me the sexiest poem ever. Ugh I weep just thinking about it. I have never had someone write me an erotic poem before. Never-mind of that caliber. Sooo not fair. With lines like "Breath that satisfies my mouth. I have tasted you as the trees taste the moon." God my knees jerk and my breath catches in my throat when I read it. Oooof!
I was like oh god, I want this and thank you yes, please and just like that, but also this has now gone waaaay past the line of flirting. This is fucking verbal foreplay right here.
So I said, and this is today btw so no response as of yet," This has to end now." I talked about not wanting to harm someone even though I can't see them. I don't know them. But I just couldn't anymore. It felt morally wrong. Blah blah blah. And end scene.
So after that the wolf in me pouted. She was like that was sooo yummy. You just shut down all that delicious seductiion. I want more poetry that titillates. How could you say no? It's not fair! Why do I have to be the bigger person? I'm single. It's not my girlfriend! STOMP STOMP. Tantrum, tantrum. Gimme back my candy!
And to that I responded " Honey, do you want to put all this time and energy into a person that is dishonest?" And with that I thought. No, I sure don't. And then it became about loving myself. Choosing what was healthy for myself, Not squashing my desire. Saying hey babe, you have this desire for sexy poetry, I respect that, but not with this guy.
The "No" became a resounding "yes" to treating myself with respect. Became a resounding cry that I can desire and it doesn't kill me if I say "No" to that desire. It became a declaration that I was whole whether I had someone seducing me or not. "huh." I thought. I do deserve honesty and authenticity.
I don't need to cloak my desires. I don't need the secrecy to get off or to feel safe. I was unconsciously pleased he had a girlfriend because it meant it wasn't going to go anywhere(no danger of commitment) and it also gave me the illusion of being irresistible.
But with that "No" I blew all of that away. And said, no thank you. I choose healthy, supportive sexuality. I can play with the wolf, I can play with the darkness and blood-lust and new moons and full moons and ravaging, and it can be healthy. It can be conscious, not this sideways unconscious spilling out of desires I am too scared to knowledge. It can be aware and consensual to all parties involved and non harming and affirming of who I am as a person. Which is someone with a love for exploration who is pure of heart.
So I'm proud of myself! And that's my story about saying "NO!" and having it really mean "Yes" to something else. because isn't that always the way?
I love you, I love you, I love. Keep on being you!
Dear bae, baby, babe
People are going to Judge us no matter what. We can hem ourselves in or puff ourselves up, we can dress or undress, but there is no formula that is going to make everyone like us. No formula for escaping judgment!
"But that's not fair!" we cry.
No babe, it's not. It sucks. But it's crazy impossible to have everyone like us. And some people will poo poo us, even dislike us. We will be too loud for some, too quiet for others, too this, too that. Too, too too much of wearing tutus, they'll say. Did you see him? How dare he? So flouncy!
There will be someone there telling us our thoughts, our preferences, or our boundaries are not valid. This will hurt, a lot. I am sorry, babe, but we can feel this pain together. These people aren't cruel. And feel free to call them asshole or stomp your feet or cry. But they are just unconscious. Unconsciously wanting us to conform to their worldview because we make them uncomfortable, babe.
We make them uncomfortable with our powerfuls "Nos!" and with our resounding "Yeses" to who we are and what we want. So we might as well say fuck it and stop wasting our energy pleasing them or defending ourselves to them. Because when we do that, all we are saying is you are right, please still like me or you are wrong but still please love me.
Fuck it babe, we don't need that racket, it's same sensation of a tooth biting down on the tine of the fork, there is nothing there for us but pain. So leave it.
And say to them through words or actions:Hey join me! Come let us fly our freak flags, freak umbrellas, wear our freak boots as tromp in freak mud and make freak messes and be fucking who we are! Unashamed, unabashed, unapologetic! Celebrating the freaking miracle of weirdness, of peculiarity and personality that each and every one of us is!
Because we are all one delicious spice, or seasoning in the soup of life and we need them all to make a good broth.